I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
