I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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