and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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