He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
