dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
