her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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