He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
