I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
