Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
