does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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