i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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