and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
