Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
