i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
