I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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