Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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