True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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