I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
