who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
