Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
