I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
