It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my being single is dangerous.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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