do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
