I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
