I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
