He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
