She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
