News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
