I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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