I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
