Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
