I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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