I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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