He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
