Your tits are I can't wait for
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
