From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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