Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
