just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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