Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
