I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
