I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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