It's just like the Real World with babies
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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