Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
