So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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