I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
