I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
