maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
