listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
