I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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