I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
