get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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